Tuesday, May 26, 2009

As you read this report

To: The Unified Councils of Theurgy and Goety: Directorate of Public Safety; Intrainquasitional Subdirectorate.

CC: WCC/VSCAQE/LDS/Israeli Joint Commission on Applied Miracle and Thaumaturg

CC:Grand Master; Most Honorable Order of the Crimson Dagger.

RE: Report on the activities concerning Brian Cooprider and Ahmed Al Orq

As you read this report, please bear in mind that, my noted expertise in deception & deception detection (d/dd) should not be seen as an issue, as this is a formal affidavit and signoverital endorsed in the presents of a calibrated energy reader as per crimson dagger procedure.

The investigation started at 9:38am when Even Cox called the church about the body of a “demon” he had found near the intersection of Green and Pearl St., an agent of the church made an inquiry and at 12:30 my office received a call as the agent had identified the body as not a demon but and orq. We in particular got this case due to the church in question Mr. Cox had called being The Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints, the presents of my partner, Brian Cooprider, a priest in the LDS church and one of it's foremost applied miracle workers, his specialty was in American cast lucial magic plus reform Jewish type faith magic.1

Upon seeing the body it was obvious foul play was involved as A) he was dead & B) he was an orq.2 It was also obvious it was a he, very obvious. This first impression was admittedly less then air tight, but it was soon confirmed by the smell of alcohol, orqs granted passes to travel to Dragonholm are, with few exceptions, devote little orqs who practice strict abstinence from alcohol. Agent Cooprider was about to perform a chemical divination miracle on the alcohol when the wind shifted and I was able to identify the alcohol by smell. It was blood wine,3 favored drink of young vampire chavs the world over, like the houseless vampires who ran the unlicensed blood bank that they thought the local vampire earldom (and thus us) did not know about. It was on Bishop Allan Dr. about 2 blocks from where the body was found.

So we headed back to HQ to pick up the standard gear for a raid on vampires. Super soakers filled with garlic infused holy water, a a crux omni each,4 garlic skin lotion, and flash lights filled with stolen sunlight. It was noon, which contrary to popular belief, is the perfect time for vampire hunting. People assume you need to do this stuff at night when they’re up and about, but we don’t live in an all night city, especially in the summer, some stuff has to be done during the day, even if it’s just by phone.

As we walked in we drew some attention, both of us were in suites, but the similarities ended there. Brian was clean cut in a conservative suite with a gladius hanging off his belt. I was in a double breasted suite which didn’t completely cover all my runic tattoos especially around my neck and hands. Also my hair was longer and less managed, and I had a tanto strapped to my back. The receptionist took one look at us and called his supervisor Tova Ozick, who was rather groggy and looked like she had been woken up for us. At first she claimed ignorance, but the crux coming out changed her mind. She was Israeli so Agent Cooprider just had to have it in his lap, covering up most of the Star of David and that was enough.

She claimed the orq was named Ahmed and had been part of an independent audit team sent by the Countess two days earlier. This had come out of no where, as the Countess had apparently decided that they were going to get shut down or licensed. The owner Jon Ruttenberg had been dragging his feet but the investigation was moving along. Ozick was under the impression that the operation was more or less above board but I should talk to Ruttenberg. It didn’t take d/dd skills to tell she was hiding something. It was at this point that I started becoming suspicious that these vampires had killed Ahmed to prevent some discovery in his audit.

As we were about 10 minutes into the interview there were several large popping sounds and Agent Cooprider and I felt surge of magical energy telling us that 9 things had just teleported in. I grabbed her desk with my right hand and used the force rune on my left to blow the door open. Agent Cooprider had all ready drawn his sword and was running to the door when he ducked as a huge stream of flame came in, missing me but engulfing the now (re)dead vampire.

I angled my force rune into a shield and grabbed my sword with my right hand to lead the way out the door. Here we found a demon wearing a flamethrower awkwardly over his wings. I spit a gout of flame with the flame rune on my throat at the demon, He had neglected to wear any sort of fire protection and was destroyed even before his tank caught fire. I had time to quickly activate a fire extinguishing grenade before six other demons with sub-machine guns that immediately opened fire, which was fairly stupid on their part as they only had enhanced one in ten of their bullets to get though our charm armor and the tenth was easily to deflect. Agent Cooprider prayed for light which stunned them and we waded in making short work of them.

This is where we made our first mistake as we were too busy killing/searching these six we missed the other two that had been off killing the rest of the staff and destroying records, they took us by complete surprise and their shotguns would have killed us both if they had enhanced the shells better. Both of them went for Agent Cooprider, he being closer and all I had time to do was to throw and force accelerate the crux I was holding at one, before the other one grabbed Agent Cooprider and said the last word of a teleport spell and was gone. Leaving me and the wounded demon the only ones left alive (or undead) in the blood bank.

Just to clear up a few things to those not familiar with rune based magic, I practice totem blood runistry, which has all the power of regular runistry, but without the risk of pseudo-vampirism. You take a totem, in my case a cat, and channel it when you drink blood, a natural carnivore only eats for sustenance not power or fun, and this totem keeps the power cravings in check, this is combined with focusing on only one type of prey to prevent craving creep. It is not only much more powerful and less weather dependent then heliorunistry but has the side benefit of giving you animancy skills with both totem and prey, in my case I can control cows and cats. The only downsides are
you take on traits of your totem, my eyes and teeth are getting increasingly feline, you can’t drink much non-blood things, and you can’t eat much at all. But there are no cravings for powerful wizard blood or human blood or anything like that. Massacre of a heard of cattle, my runistry might be suspect, but the Runistry Council can atest that I would not be inclined to this sort of thing4 .

Additionally LDS applied miracles are like reformed Jewish faith magic, so those unfamiliar may wonder why Agent Cooprider was unable to escape. These demons were the kind of uncreative ones that the extremely nominative orthodox Jewish faith magic would work well on, reform Jewish faith magic is very much about forensic divination and thus of not much use5 .

When I got over my shock I looked at the remaining demon and realized Agent Cooprider would be in serious trouble if I didn’t act fast. The demons black shells meant Agent Cooprider's luminal miracles, his only offensive prayers, would be ineffective. Before the demon recovered from the crux impaled in one of its lower heads I slapped it with a premade binding rune.

As soon as it realized it was captive it started to tick that “in accordance with the 7th Geneva convention and other treaties relating to the Sun Crusade, I am a lawful prisoner of war.”

I informed him “You are confused, I am not a knight in the Most Ancient Order of the Flaming Sword, but a knight in the distinct yet easily confused Most Honorable Order of the Crimson Dagger, you’re not captured you’re under arrest and thus according to the Fire Child Protocols, you as a demon, are not a human equivalent entity and I am going to torture some information out of you.”

“Torture me? You think you can inflict anything I wouldn’t inflict on my self willingly, even eagerly?” he sneered at me clicheadly, licking an eye rather disturbingly.

“You misunderstand; I’m going to torture you with kindness.” I dipped my finger into a pool of demon sap and drew a rune of loquaciousness on its middle shoulder. This is one of the runes I’m most proud of,
its effects similar to a combination of several pots of coffee, goblin moonshine, with a dash of ultra heroin for good measure. This
is effective because what separates angels from demons is empathy, which is why love magic is so effective against them; They lack it
and assume everything else does too. My method was simple, get him talking, listen to him, and make him feel loved and good about himself until he couldn’t take it anymore. In short I was going to psychoanalyze the shit out of him, until he gave me the
coordinates I wanted. Why, you ask didn’t I just get him babbling until he gave me the coordinates? Simple he would have
cursed himself to not be able to give those coordinates up unwillingly; I had to make him consciously want to tell me.

We started off slow, Iasked him general questions and he responded with general threats, I did learn his demon name, Maimer, as were 3 other members of his flock, my first break was when I asked his name as an angel, and he responded to my specific question with a specific threat, to rape my unborn children with his barbed penices. But this was my opening; I had got him thinking about a time when he was loved, and loved. The rune was definitely working now so I got him talking about his top atrocities, children killed, maidens corrupted, but then steered him backwards to his early work, stupid failures to corrupt teenagers, and back to his fall so smoothly that he was talking about his last love as an angel with out noticing until he’d already started.

She was a beautiful angel, an angel for gremlins so not beautiful in a way you or I would understand, but beautiful to him, and he loved her and she broke his heart. She was the latest in a long line of bad relationships and he, in the depth of his post break up depression started to question if anyone could care about anyone. It hadn’t been a bad break up and they hadn’t dated long, 400 years an eye blink to angels, but all break ups are bad, he fell in with some very grey angels, had a relationship with a borderline sociopathic dragon who segmented all he though about others. As he was talking I was giving him the ol’ unconditional positive regard. This sounds banal but you must realize that angels while immortal and eternal are still fallible, emotional, and have free will. They are susceptible to all the pettiness of mortals, there wouldn't be demons if they weren't.

At this point he realized what he was saying and clamped up, or rather tried but instead ranted about how I was even more selfish then he, playing on his emotion just to get information. He was convincing but remember, I didn’t win the d/dd tournaments the easy way,6 he was not totally convinced that I was accidentally being selfish.

So that was the opening I needed. “You think I need to deceive you to get his information? You think I’m just playing you to get what I want? This is one of those moments where I can eat my delicious cake while staring at its beauty. You demons are all the same, you pretend your so hard core evil, that you’ve fallen so far nothing can save you. This isn’t a lie you tell others, it’s a lie you tell your self and other happen to get hit with. Just as easily as an angel falls a demon can rise. There is no crime so monsterus, no penitence so massive you can’t accomplish it simply by having the will. There is a way to love again and all it is, is to remember how, all you need to do is never forget that you were not once an angel, you are a once and future angel.”

“Artistic Thunder” he whispered, “it was my name when I swam through the solar oceans and loved, when I was an angel, well my
actual name was in celestial and translates more accurately as ‘Beautiful Sculptures of Rainclouds Offspring…’” I had broken him crying like an alcoholic off the wagon, feces streaming down his foreheads, I had to direct his babbling now. The demons were using the blood bank as a source of material for dark dark grey blood rituals. The audit team had come as a shock and they had tried to bribe them. The orq, like most orqs, was too honorable for that, so they had had some vampire delinquents murder him. The bloodwine was liquid courage for these frankly amateur killers and he had been part of the clean up crew sent to tie up all the loose ends that might point back to the Lake.

He gave me the teleport grid numbers and asked me to kill him already. But instead I just made a modifying rune on the binding one and told him he would be free in about 20 minutes. Some of you might not understand that, might wonder why I let him go, who think that this is awful suspicious. It’s because I didn’t lie to him once, all you need to go either way, up or down, is a little push, and that is what I gave
him, If I saw him again and he was just as bad I’d fry his ass, but I was betting I wouldn’t.

At this point I called in and met a SMAT team from the orqish consulate plus a transportation wizard and love magician from the EU, the love guy was not Polish like you might expect but oddly Welsh, very strange to see a Welshmen not into boring probabilistic divination. We teleported in, SMAT team’s voices warmed up, but were too late, Agent Cooprider hadn’t lasted long Torturing him to death several times was the first thing they had done, all that was left was to recover the body.

This concludes my report on the death of Agent Brian Cooprider, it should be pointed out that between 1947 and 2001 there were 24 demonic incursions of a physical nature world wide. This was the 14th in the last 3 years.

-Gaius Torv K.C.D.

  1. This is not to imply that his miracles are in any way magical.
  2. Anyone familiar with orqs know that unlike, the far too clever by half and oft confused with, gremlins, orqs
    almost never die accidentally, they’re far too sensible/indestructible.
  3. Bloodwine, not actually a type of wine at all, grain alcohol mixed with blood.
  4. Patriarchal cross with Allah Akbar written on the larger cross beam, star of David on the upper vertical, Buddha perched on
    top, an Omkar on the upper cross beam, and a Khanda above a nine pointed star on the lower vertical.
  5. See the publication by the Runistry Council A Guide to the Different Methods of Powering Rune Based Magic.
  6. For further reading II recommend either Butcher’s Lebanon and the New Israeli Magic or Fisher’s Applied Miracles in Mormon
  7. Note: the easy way is entering them, the advanced way is to not enter the tournament and convince everyone that you had in fact won it.

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